What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
