I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
