Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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