I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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