I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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