i wish my penis had a tongue
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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