ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
