If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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