The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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