If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
