How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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