life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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