pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
