So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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