Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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