shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities