Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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