The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
