There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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