dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
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When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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