He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
