You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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