planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
