i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
