we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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