I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
