Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
