I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
