dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
