So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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