I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
