At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
