I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We left the knife in your bed.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
