I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
