Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
