do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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