Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
