I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
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