is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.