I'm eating all of the evidence.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?