you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
