I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
