May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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