Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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