Betty ford says i'm here all night
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
