they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
