Can i not drive my cunt home
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
