She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
