i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
