she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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