And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just pee around me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
