You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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