I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
