I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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