Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
