The maid of honor just puked.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
