So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize