They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
