I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
