I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
there was a trapeze. enough said
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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