Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
