I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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