I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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